Addressing Preparation in Conflict Resolution - Breaking the Victim-Villain Cycle and Moving from Vulnerability to Victory

Conflict Resolution

Difficult conversations are a part of life. Whether at work, at home, or with friends, we are often called upon to resolve our conflicts and differences. Preparing for these difficult conversations can feel challenging, especially when emotions run high. But with the right approach, we can move from feeling like a victim or the villain of the story and get past our vulnerability to a place of victory. This shift allows us to communicate with clarity, compassion and composure, transforming a challenging moment into an opportunity for a positive resolution. But we must prepare. Preparation is all about mindset and emotions. In this article, we'll explore a few key mindsets and the cognitive distortions that underlie our conflictual communication. We will also discuss strategies to help you shift from these distorted mindsets to a position of empowerment and clarity.

Why Do Difficult Conversations Feel So Hard?

Before diving into strategies, let's take a moment to understand why these conversations are so challenging. Some of the common reasons include the following:

·      Very simply, we get tongue-tied. The brain freezes and we just don’t know how to articulate our point of view assertively — we just don’t know what to say and how to say it.

·       Uncertainty: We often don't know how the other person will react. What if they get defensive? What if they misinterpret what we’re saying?

·      Fear of Conflict: Many people shy away from difficult conversations because they’re afraid of conflict or hurting someone else’s feelings.

·      High Stakes: The outcome of the conversation can sometimes have significant consequences, like changing our status or role in a relationship or impacting our job.

·      Reactivity: Conversations that arise from repeated boundary violations can send us into reactivity, where we get lost in our emotions, looping through anger and fear.

Understanding these reasons is the first step toward preparing ourselves to handle these tough talks effectively. Let’s break this down further.

The Three “V’s” and Our Cognitive Distortions.

When it comes to having tough conversations, there are three common mindsets people slip into: the victim mindset, the villain mindset, and the vulnerable mindset. Identifying these mindsets and how they interconnect can help us recognize unproductive thoughts and make more constructive choices. Interspersed with these three mindsets are our cognitive distortions, which are the negative patterns of thinking that skew our reality.

The Three "V's"

 The "Victim" Mindset

The victim mindset is where we project our feelings onto the other person, spending our time and energy blaming them for how we feel. They are doing something to us. “He made me so angry.” “Why do they keep treating me like this?” “She got me so upset.” “I don’t know what to do about her.”

When trapped in the victim mindset with our hurt and defensive state of mind, we are most likely to feel small, like a child who has no power or control.  

Those stuck in the victim mindset are often unable to take any accountability for their part in the dilemma. They struggle, stay problem-focused, and are unable to look for solutions that might help them.

When stuck being a victim, the question we need to ask ourselves is simply:

What’s the hidden [] payoff that I get by staying stuck in the victim mode?

 The "Villian" Mindset

On the other side of the coin is the villain mindset. When there is a victim, there is also a villain close by. These two mindsets go together.

The villain mindset is all about cognitive distortions. We delve into the other person's mind and their motivations towards us.  We make assumptions about them, what they're doing, and why they act a certain way. We get into mind reading and jump to conclusions about them and their behaviour towards us. We know their intentions — they are deliberately sabotaging us. We become polarized in our thinking about them and their relationship with us and can only see things through a negative lens. We use over-generalized descriptions and focus on labelling the person — they are lazy, stupid, controlling, etc.

Finally, we resort to emotional reasoning and get trapped in our thoughts. Our perspective and our view of the situation is absolutely right. There is no other explanation or point of view. 

Without realizing that we have probably lost all rational thinking about our situation, the victim and villain mindset keeps us stuck in distorted thinking, unable to move forward or take control of the situation simply because it leads us in the direction of vulnerability.

 The "Vulnerable Mindset”

The vulnerable mindset is based on fear and sends us further into helplessness and powerlessness.  We stay stuck in negative feelings and continue looping in and out of victim and villain energy. We insist on staying focused on blaming others for the situation so we can feel justified in holding on to our negative feelings. In doing this, the situation becomes more tense and harder to solve constructively.

We feel like there’s nothing we can do to make the conversation go well, so we don’t even try. We might think, "No matter what I say, they won’t understand. This situation is hopeless." This is the mindset that holds us back.

 The vulnerable mindset makes us worry so much about getting hurt or misunderstood that we cannot express ourselves honestly. If we do, we keep things at a surface level instead of being real and opening up. We're afraid that any real sharing might go wrong. By doing this, we avoid the real conversations that could lead to growth and understanding.

Moving from Vulnerability to Victory

To prepare effectively to have a difficult conversation, it's helpful to move away from these negative distorted mindsets and incorporate more of a Victory Mindset. A Victory mindset is a mindset of Empowerment. Empowerment is when you feel capable, clear, and ready to handle the situation.

There is a shift we need to make when moving from vulnerability to victory — we need to stand in our power. This can be a big step if you are feeling small. Sometimes there is some inner work that needs to be done to get to where we need to be to have that important conversation. In essence, we may need to literally grow up. The quickest and easiest way that I have found to do this is through EFT or Energy Tapping, a simple but powerful technique that we can use to help us get into that empowering victory mindset quickly.

 You can find a simple EFT Script to help you shift from feeling like a small child to feeling empowered quickly in the Preparation Chapter of the Book A State of PLAYS: HOW TO HAVE THOSE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND.

A State of P.L.A.Y.S

 Here are 5 more additional steps that you can take to help you move from vulnerability to victory.

Steps to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation (Both at Work and  Home)

Step 1: Identify Your Purpose

Ask yourself, “What is my goal for this conversation?” Is it to solve a problem? To share your feelings? Clarifying your purpose can keep you focused and help you avoid getting sidetracked by emotions or assumptions.

 Step 2: Challenge Assumptions

We talked about projection and assumptions being a part of the Villian Mindset and the problems they created earlier. When preparing for a difficult conversation, one of the most important things you need to do is to check in with yourself so that you are not distorting issues. Make a point of asking yourself directly that you are not assuming that the other person has bad intentions or doesn’t care. Recognize your distortions and remind yourself that the other person might have different reasons for their actions that you can’t see or just don’t know about.

 Step 3: Practice Empathy

Empathy, that is, trying to understand the other person’s point of view, requires some letting go and releasing on our part. We have to be willing to let go of our righteous indignation —meaning our perception of injustice and sense of self-justification on our part, and the perception of moral wrongdoing on the part of the other person.

 Shifting our perspective and developing a more empathetic point of view opens up space for us to incorporate differences. 

To be more empathetic before the conversation, the easiest thing to do is to ask yourself the following questions:

“What might they be feeling?”

 “What challenges might they be facing?”

 “What might they be going through right now?”

Taking this stance can help you enter the conversation with a certain level of compassion and willingness to listen, making the exchange more open and less confrontational. It will also allow you to develop a broader perspective and move beyond your own interpretation of events.

 Step 4: Use “I” Statements Instead of “You”

"I" statements help you express your feelings without placing blame on the other person. This can make the conversation feel less like an attack. It's also important to watch your language and shift away from making global statements such as, “You always,” “You never,” etc. Global statements have a tendency to corner people and put them in a box where they feel attacked.

 5. Practicing Mindfulness for Tough Conversations

Mindfulness is a technique where you focus on the present moment without judgment. Practicing mindfulness can help you prepare mentally and stay calm.

• Mindfulness Tips for Preparation

  • Take Deep Breaths: Before the conversation, take a few deep breaths. This can calm your nerves and help you think clearly.

  • Visualize a Positive Outcome: Picture the conversation going well. Imagine yourself and the other person reaching an understanding.

  • Stay Present During the Talk: When the conversation starts, focus on each word and keep distractions aside.

  • Using mindfulness can make you feel more present and connected during the conversation.

What to Do During the Conversation

Even with the best preparation, it’s normal to feel nervous once the conversation starts. Here are some strategies to stay calm and make the most of the talk.

Strategy 1: Listen Actively (Get Squared in Your Communication) Link here to blog:

Active listening means paying close attention to what the other person is saying without interrupting or planning your response. Show that you’re listening by nodding or saying things like, “I understand.”

 Strategy 2: Avoid the Blame Game

If the other person starts blaming or becoming defensive, there is no need for you to react, just try to steer the conversation back to your main purpose. You have no control over the other person's responses. Remind yourself that your goal is to understand and not to assign blame.

 Strategy 3: Stay Flexible

If the conversation takes an unexpected turn, stay open to what’s being said. Flexibility shows respect and lets the other person know that their perspective matters. This will ultimately lead to a better outcome for the conversation as it will help the other person feel heard, respected and valued.

Strategy 4: After the Conversation: Reflect and Learn

Once the conversation is over, take a moment to reflect. What went well? What could you do differently next time? Difficult conversations are a learning process, and each one makes you better prepared for the next.

Summary and Final Tips

To wrap up, here are some of the tips we discussed for preparing for a difficult conversation:

1. Keep Your Purpose Clear: Focus on why you’re having the conversation and what outcome you’re hoping for.

2. Avoid Victim, Villain, and Vulnerability Mindsets: Recognize these mindsets and try to shift to a Victory Mindset approach that encompasses empowerment, empathy, and openness.

3. Be aware and work to take charge of your cognitive distortions and negative thinking so that they don’t trip you up and get in your way.

4.  Stay Calm and Listen: Practice mindfulness, take deep breaths, and listen actively to the other person’s point of view.

5. Develop a Solution-Focused Mindset: Stay focused on finding solutions to move forward rather than circling and looping around the problem.

In this article, we discussed ways to prepare for tough conversations that can help you resolve conflict in difficult situations. The focus was primarily on how to identify and overcome common “mindset traps,” such as Victim, Villain and Vulnerability. We also talked about working towards a position of Empowered Victory. With this approach, you can turn even the most uncomfortable conversations into productive and positive experiences.

Successful Conflict Resolution